upto date

Okay so where am i now. What am i going to do now? As grandmommy put it.
Well.....

dah exactly what ive been doing. Spending time with my kids. Doing family stuff. We arent not a family just because i dont have a husband or father for us. it just means we have to work a little harder to feel complete.
Brian can live his false love life and i will live mine watching our boys grow into strong smart men. One day when they look back they can say mommy always was there. She let us pick our favorite movies and made us brownies to go with it and popcorn. She made the best food.
The house i liked went down another $1000 wish i had money. it would be nice.
Brian lost his job and ops forgot to tell me until he was no longer paying child support. I dont know what we will do. My boys lost a father now they hve to lose a mother too. very unfair. Is he trying to get a new one. NOPE!!! hes running out all his gas around town. Oh and that slut of a gf stopped by here. she came in brians car without him interesting.
when she wreaks it hes out a car and still have to pay for it. guess she will support him all his life. I love it. she supports him and they are miserable and hate each other. Brian says how much he loves me, but is so scared he will hurt us. He laughs when i call her a whore. caz he knows its true. If he had another place to go, he wouldnt even be with her. told me that he doesnt like being with either of us, but he doesnt know what else to do. Says he still loves me. Hes still mad at me for leaving him 2 years ago. well if u would have done what u were suppose to i would still be with u. But u know i'll love u for a lifetime. Your my heart. Physically i did not die without brian but emotionally i did. Yes i have my beautiful boys to keep me busy, but my soul is lonely. He was my forever and now its gone. everyday i need him less. Everyday his lack of a visit doesnt hurt. but through it all everyday my love for him remains. His kiss still gives me the goosebumps it used to. his touch still melts my heart. I desire him and that desire doesnt seem to die. just my lonely longingness for him. He says his heart is still mine as mine is his we just cant live together anymore. And i believe it. ive become comfortable with my freedom. Having my own place setting my own rules. I like it no i love it. going when i wish to. decided what i want to. no one to consult no one to deny me.
But what im missing is the reasureness of his love. Yes he comes every two weeks or so sneaks out of what he doesnt really want to be where his heart dwells. To take the sweet honey that makes his heart leap. but then he has to rush off before hes caught to a evil villian of a woman and pretend he cares greatly for her. Pretend her kids dont bother him. Pretend her loud rude voice doesnt stab his chest. Pretend her shrilling attacks doesnt pierce his skin. She took his job, she took his family, she took his car and now hes left with nothing only to suckle what she will allow him to. to barely live. to barely make it.
MISERABLE thats what he describes it.

here it comes and here we go

So this saturday is our parent divorce class. Then on monday we turn in our divorce agreement and then we wait for the judge to sign it. Wow hard to believe my marriage is almost over. This is sucky. But it wont change anything. I still love brian and he still loves me, we just cant live together. Im still Mrs. brian mccullough. If he had it his way me, him and sam would all live together but nope i dont think so. cant work that way. im way to jealous to share. So i'll keep doing what im doing and when im ready for another baby if i choose it,i'll have my daughter. but im kind of happy with the three i have. Sure i'll never get to see the cutiest dresses on a tiny little girl. and prom wont be the same as shopping with your daughter for that perfect dress. And yeah forget shopping for wedding dresses and seeing your grandbaby delivered. Its okay. I'll never have to worry about one of my boys getting pregnant. Its good i'll never have to work about my daughter becoming some married mans whore at 19.

okay i did it so excited

So this weekend i went on my first date since i married my ex. It was so nice. Well kind of a date. it was cool. our kids had fun together. I enjoyed him. He was so sweet. very compasionate. A man in charge of his own life and capable of controling others in a positive way. He's calm and rarely seems to raise his voice. Stricked but kind. Very gentle. And i loved the way he smiles. the cute lines that appear around his hazel eyes. I adore the white hairs on his head that he tries to hide. So cute. And i love his gotee. Clean cute but elegant. We had such a good time. we didnt do much but we didnt have too. It was still enjoyable. We just watched tv and watch the kids play and talked and just relaxed.
I dont know where this might lead us or what i am to him if anything, but i hate to say it, if he doesnt want to see me anymore i would be truely sad. Im trying to hard to slow myself down, because i dont want to get lost in the kayoss and not keep my head on straight. But he is so wonderful. Am i seeing him for him or am i see what i want to see. I dont know. But for now I'll take what he gives me, and i'll enjoy every bit of it. Y couldnt it be like this the past 9 years. I really was cheated.